Climbing has often been used as a euphemism for sex. Even the Bible uses climbing as a sexual euphemism—in the undeniably sexiest book of the Old Testament, the Song of Solomon, it says. “Your stature is like that of the palm, and your breast like clusters of fruit. I said, ‘I will climb the palm tree; I will take hold of its fruit.'” So what is it about climbing that’s so damn sexy!? Well, it’s the climbers themselves. Climbers actually make better sexual partners—ask anyone who’s been with a climber and they’ll confirm that it’s true. Even science has proven it again and again. But for those who still might doubt this irrefutable fact, here are 6 reasons why climbers make better lovers.
1. Strong and Sexy Hands and Forearms
Everyone knows climbers have the sexiest hands and forearms. And they’re strong. Ever had a partner complain about their fingers or hands getting tired during vigorous lovemaking? You won’t hear that from a climber. Even if they do start to get tired, they’re used to the burn of a good workout; they’ll fight through it. And how about a sensual massage? Some strong hands to really work those knots out never hurt anyone.
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2. Increased Balance and Flexibility
Want to try that new position you saw in the Kama Sutra? You won’t have to worry about your partner if they’re a climber. They can balance, move, stretch, hell, even hang if need be! Have you seen how climbers open and move their hips? Imagine that you’re the climbing wall…you see what I’m saying. Combine that with their strong arms and you’ll have unlimited options for your next session. To keep up, try these 9 easy morning stretches.
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3. Increased Sexy Hormones
Everyone knows that working out increases endorphins and testosterone, which in turn increase arousal levels. Climbing adds a third chemical, adrenaline. The three combined are a “potent sexual cocktail” according to popsugar.com, so you know it must be true. Think about it, a tough workout while overcoming fear? Hormone extravaganza. Turn on some Barry White when you get home and you’re in for fun night.
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4. They Carry Around Mattresses, Harnesses, and Ropes
I mean, get ready for some kinky stuff. Want to have sex outside but worried about what you’ll lay on? Boulderers literally carry mattresses into the woods and no one looks at them sideways. Or are you afraid your family will judge you for all the harnesses and ropes laying around? You’re dating a climber, it’s totally normal. Plus climbers know how to use these tools—whether you want to get freaky outside, be tied up, or try out sex while hanging, it’s really true that climbers are better lovers.
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5. They’re Used to Intense Physical and Mental Focus
Some people are physically fit, which is great. But climbing requires physical fitness combined with intense mental focus and problem-solving skills. What else do those combined skills sound useful for? Well yes, competitive eating. But also sexy time! Climbers are able to mentally focus on the needs of their partner while also keeping up physically. The “problem solving” required during a good lovemaking session will come naturally to them. And did we mention strong arms and flexible hips yet? Damn, so clear that climbers make better lovers.
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6. They Bring Climbing Jargon Into the Bedroom
Talking dirty? So last decade. Sexting? So last year. The new trend in sexual communication is climbing jargon. Imagine the phrase “jug haul” or “spicy crux” or even “spread your legs and trust the rubber” incorporated into your bedroom play. If you aren’t turned on by now, you don’t have a pulse. So the next time a climber asks you if they can “put their nuts on your rack,” you can confidently say yes. And only then consider the double entendre.
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We hope that we convinced you that climbers make better lovers. If you still don’t believe us at this point, we recommend trying it out for yourself. Make your way down to the local sweaty climbing gym and find a hottie that you fancy. Try out a couple of climbing jokes on them and let us know how it goes! We’re confident by the end you’ll agree: climbers make better lovers.
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